When I went through my divorce, the first major thing I bought myself was a convertible. This “gift” was a symbol of a feeling that I was desperately in need of and trying to wrap my head around. I was free to be me. I had been with my soon-to-be ex for 25 years, since I was 14 years old. I had no idea what it meant to be free to be me. I knew what it was like to be a wife. I knew what it was like to be a mother. But to be Shari, what did that mean? At the time, I was driving a van and was not liking the soccer mom feeling it evoked in me. My children were growing up and beginning to create their own lives and I, recently single for the first time in my adult life, wanted to drive a vehicle that was an extension of my current persona. I began exploring who I was. What was calling to me, what I liked, and what I didn’t. I allowed myself to uncover my truth and began living an authentic life. I began making decisions based on what resonated with me and me alone. I discovered the perfect vehicle that allowed me to feel good about myself each time I drove it. It gave me a sense of freedom when I put the top down and let the wind blow through my hair. I had fun in that car. I enjoyed it to the fullest and was continually grateful for the experiences it brought me. Fast forward and now re-married, my husband and I have decided to sell the convertible and get an SUV. Our lives have shifted and now include a special 14 year old. Trying to lug all the equipment one 14 year old needs back and forth in a two-door convertible, though cool, is not very convenient. I still do not resonate with being a soccer mom, so a sporty SUV is a must; yet I am coming to terms with my new role (mothering again) and accepting all that it entails. My older two are on their own, and I have been through many ups and downs as the years progressed. During the process of car shopping, I realized, believe it or not, that I was grieving giving up my convertible. I was realizing that the divorce era of my life was coming to an end. Happily re-married and now nurturing an extended family that was gifted to me plus building my business up again (it was put on the back burner as I recovered from my divorce and spending my healing energy healing myself), I am ready to move on. There were still feelings rising to the surface as this journey continued; those of grief, fear of the new, and finally acceptance.
But the biggest ah-ha was that I no longer needed my convertible, a SYMBOL of freedom, because I WAS FREE, I am finally being me! All the work I have done, all the healing and releasing that has occurred over the last 8 years has finally allowed me to FEEL free and be authentically me. You see, I have learned that there are times in your life when you have to act “as if.” You need a physical symbol to remind you of where you are headed until you get there. I have used crystals or stones to help me remember that I am loved or I am safe. I have used pictures on my screen saver or taped to a mirror to remember I am beautiful and that God loves me just the way I am, right where I am. I create vision boards to help me manifest the people, places, and things that make my heart sing. My convertible was a symbol of freedom that I needed until all the pieces fell into place and I was able to actually BE ME. So, as I enjoy my last summer with my convertible knowing I am manifesting an orange Subaru Cross-trek—manifesting will be a topic for another blog at another time—I am also enjoying the peacefulness in knowing that I am moving forward, gratefully moving forward, and continuing to allow the process of living an authentic life to unfold, all in Divine Timing.